Relationship & Bullshit Chronicles: Are you a Side Chick?

I first want to say that NO WOMAN should be confused as to which one she is. We all know pretending you don’t is just you playing the victim. STOP IT!

I have never been a side chick, but I have been in situations where I know I was about to get drafted to be one, and I quickly quit the team because I was not trying to be apart of the Roster. As women, as cliché as it sounds, we have to know our worth.

We cannot be out here, throwing it back ( in all ways) for free. We should not be giving up entrees, when what you are is the side order.

I mean we can all go to a restaurant and order a side salad, or a side of fries, but not everyone can afford the Lobster, or the Fillet Mignon.

So here are my tips to let you know if you are THE BOLD ITEMS ON THE MENU, or the little ones tucked away at the back near the refillable sodas.

  1. You have been “together” for over a year and never met any of his friends or family.
  2. He only sees you at night.
  3. He only sees or calls you when he wants your fillet mignon.
  4. You have never been to his house.
  5. Phone calls are always brief, and you only hear from him during certain hours.
  6. You are not allowed to talk about him to others, because he wants to keep your relationship private, and he doesn’t want anyone in your business.
  7. You have never spent a holiday with him.
  8. He never shows up when he’s supposed to, and never gets upset when you cancel plans.
  9. He panics whenever you get near his phone.
  10. You never go anywhere in public and when you do it’s in remote areas and at night.
  11. He does not like when or allows you take photos of him.
  12. Your relationship is purely physical.
  13. When you bring up the future his response is “you never know what the future holds”.
  14. You are not connected on any social media, and if you are he deletes your comments.
  15. Your number is not saved in his phone, and if it is its under a different name.
  16. He rarely spends the night.
  17. He is married, or has a girlfriend.
  18. You are okay with hiding everything you are both doing.

If these things are happening to you sorry boo but you’re a side chick, and if you are condoning it then YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED to  be mad at him, when things don’t go as YOU planned. You allowed it to happen the only person you can be mad at is you.

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Weekly Devotion: Commitment and Purpose

Isaiah 26:3 you will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. (NIV)

The more you stay focused and committed on your goals, the more likely you are to achieve them. I know first hand that this is easier said than done, and many of us give up too easily when something becomes difficult, or if we are thrown curve balls resulting in set backs.

If you are truly doing what God has called you to do, and you are honing in on your God-given gifts and talent, giving up is not an option.  Although some tasks may be difficult, boring, or what some would say it’s beneath you, or if you are not getting recognized, continue to do it. Not everyone who made a change got credit immediately, God will ensure that you are remembered for the things you should be remembered for.

Without commitment from our Lord, we wouldn’t be here to today. So don’t give up no matter what it is, as everything little step counts, and one day you will rejoice in the fruits of your labour as you are walking in your purpose.

A rise in Canadian Citizenship Fees in 2015

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In February of 2014, the Canadian government increased the Canadian citizenship fee from $100 to $300, with a $100 Right of Citizenship fee.

Effective January 1, 2015, Citizenship processing fees for adult grant applications will increase from $300 to $530. The Right of Citizenship fee will remain $100.

Applications received by CIC on or after January 1, 2015 will require the new processing fee ($530) plus the Right of Citizenship fee ($100), if applicable, for a total of $630. Incomplete applications returned prior to January 1, 2015 and received by CIC after the fee increase will require the new processing fee.

These reforms include streamlining the citizenship decision-making process from three steps to one, resulting in a 90 percent increase in new Canadians from the previous year, and reducing the backlog in Canada’s citizenship applications by 17 percent since June 2014, which is its lowest level in almost three years.

“With a record number of new Canadians this year, it is clear that [the] government’s changes to the Citizenship Act are having a real impact on the number of new citizens welcomed to the Canadian family,” said Citizenship and Immigration Minister Chris Alexander. “We are fulfilling our commitment to reducing backlogs and improving processing times.”

The fee hike in 2015 is expected to bring in an additional $60 million to the Canadian government. Unfortunately, the increase in citizenship processing costs may make Canadian citizenship further out of reach for many families who are Canadian permanent residents.

Canada’s fees remain lower than fees in both the United States and the United Kingdom.

Weekly Devotion: The Power of Love

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Song of Songs 8:6,7; Romans 12:9,10

An understanding of true love has nearly been lost in modern culture. Love has become defined more by sensuality and gratification than by commitment and loyalty. This misunderstanding is a root cause of many broken relationships.

In his final description of true love, Solomon describes it in the Song of Songs as being as strong as death, like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame (8:6). In verse 7 he wrote…

Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it way. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

True love is powerful, binding two people together with cords that cannot be broken. It can withstand any hardship that comes against it. However, some people try to buy love with money or possessions. But love based on such things will never stand against the “many waters” and “rivers” of life’s challenges.

Paul’s words in Romans 12:9,10, focus on the ingredients of a God-given love: sincerity, hatred of evil, strong commitment to the good, and devotion. With that foundation in place, love can stand up under any test.

 

To read more visit: Nothing is too hard for God

 

Relationship & Bullshit- Do Torontonians Have Unrealistic Dating Expectations?

Couple enjoying dinner

I went to an event this past weekend hosted by Lincoln Blades , the event focused around do the men and women of Toronto have unrealistic dating expectations. Oh, and to no surprise here, these women and men who sat so beautifully in Uptown loft adorned in their dresses, and three-piece suit, are completely in la la land when it comes to dating.

First let me say the event was a nice night out,  the space was cozy, even though the service was terrible; but I digress.

Now let me get to it,  this room was filled with about 100 men and women, about 80 percent women and 20 percent men. Some men came with their partners, as a little relationship advice never hurt anyone. The conversation started out by asking if the “LIST” that we have as individuals is unrealistic. Lincoln used examples such as Trina who states she will not date a man who has a penis size less than 11.5 inches, or Chilli from TLC who will not date a man unless he has a minimum 4 pack and no more than 2 baby mothers. Now do I think these are ridiculous ABSOLUTELY, as she just ex’d more than half of the man in her age group, and Trina should just go and buy a friend because the average size penis is about 7 inches, so someone get her some batteries she will need them for a LONG time,  but that is none of my business, let’s get to the woman and men of Toronto.

Now the conversation really starts with a female sitting at the table adjacent to mine we will call her Gloria, (I am naming her as throughout the night she had a lot of nothing to say in my opinion) who says that she will not date a man who is JOBLESS. Now, there were claps and murmuring after she said this as you can imagine some people agreed and disagreed with her. A lady in the corner with sister locs or could have been braids takes the mic and says, she has a master’s degree and she was unemployed for a year, and then she pauses, as if she was waiting for an applause.

Now here I am sitting down waiting to her to explain why she was jobless.

Keep in mind the conversation at this point is to say that we should not rule out unemployed men when dating as there could be situations as to why they are not working. For example:

A recent graduate

Got laid off ( Both target and Sony are closing all Canadian Stores)

Illness ( he is now getting back on his feet)

I mean anything is possible, but for me she just wanted the people in the room to know she was a black woman with a masters degree, because if we are speaking of reasons people could be unemployed when you first meet them, what was hers?

Was she sick?

Did she have a kid?

Family issues?

We know she wasn’t a recent graduate as she said she was unemployed for a year.

Was she actively looking?

What was it?, at this point no one knew

So let me say this NO ONE CARES!. A master’s degree in today’s society is not what it used to be 10 years ago. It’s like having a high school diploma, it is great I commend anyone who pursues further education as I am one of those people who will most likely go and get my masters as well. Nonetheless, men don’t care, although they are looking for smart women, a master’s degree is just a bonus it is not why he is gonna date you.

Men want to know can you cook something more than mac and cheese and baked chicken, clean, are you sincere, loving, giving, spiritual depending on his beliefs, can you do laundry, these days is your hair real. (Let’s be real about it). I am not saying I agree with these, but your masters degree is just a bonus for him.

A lot of women have this self-righteous attitude when you get a little degree or a nice comfy job. It does not make you Queen Sheba. Let me make this clear, I am not taking away from your education, or the hard work you put into it, and if you want a man who is on the same education level as you, there is nothing wrong with that.

However, you are just like the rest of us, we all work, eat and sleep. Do not think that you are in any way special and the same for men as well because you are educated. I know a lot of men who are wealthy and never stepped foot into a college or university classroom. So sip that tea, let me move on.

Now a man without a job should not be looked past because he told you I am not working at the moment. Men are not open books, he could be jobless today and VP of whatever tomorrow. When people first meet you they do not expel their lives to you, so for all you know he could have just left an interview, and just doesn’t want to talk about it, he probably lied to you as well because he saw how hungry you were for status instead of substance and curved you.

Bet you didn’t think about that huh?

MEN DO THAT, women do it too I know I have. I will purposely sabotage a situation if I see what you are about from the initial meeting, I will turn you off from me, saves me time and I make you think it was all you.

No it was me.

When a man is unemployed look for drive and ambition in him, is he actively pursing job opportunities, most men quit their 9-5 to start a business inquire about it. As women we need to ask the right questions. Not what Steve Harvey told you to ask in his book, not saying those aren’t valid. However, every man is different ask him questions pertaining to him and his life not the standard where you see yourself in 5 years? do you want kids? what is your favorite color? these are not real questions, they are fluff, dig deep get him speaking, actually have a conversation, not an interview.

After intermission the conversation got even more juicy

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As they were tired of the women talking and directed the microphone to the men in the room.

This man in his suit stood and said that he has stopped talking to a girl because she said “SHE DID NOT GIVE HEAD” now for all you newbies that means oral sex, and shortly after that a lady at my table said she felt the same way. Now let’s talk about the these people. Both looked like they were in the mid 30’s and SINGLE.

Now there is nothing wrong with being single, but if oral sex is a NON NEGOTIABLE for you, just start travelling alone, go to the sperm bank to get you a baby, and start collecting wines, because you are embarking on A LOT of lonely nights.

MEN AND WOMEN OF THE WORLD in-case you all didn’t know WE LIE.

I have met men and women who said they didn’t give oral sex, and when you speak to their partner she/he says that’s not true. Whether you want to believe it or not it is still a social stigma. Also, some people believe because of the nature of the act, they will only do it with someone they truly care about. Now, if I just met you, and you asked me that question I am going to tell you no.

I JUST MET YOU it is our first date. WHO ARE YOU?

Now, a few weeks or months of dating I will share how I feel about the matter. No one tells you everything at first, that is why it’s called GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

*rolls eyes*

This man also said that Toronto women suffer from what he called “the drake factor” where he said that women want men with condos, lambos, investment accounts, and Jordans. I mean he didn’t use those words, I did from what I have seen. What he did say in a nutshell is that women want men who have money.

Is he wrong? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

When I first moved to this city that is all women wanted “men with money” but we were all 19 working at call centers, and still shopping at sirens, which 19-year-old man has a condo? even Diddy’s sons still live at home.  That is why for a while a lot of these young woman were dating older men because what they wanted didn’t exist at their age.

AND WHAT THESE WOMEN AND MEN IN THEIR mid to late 20s to early 40s ARE LOOKING FOR IN PARTNERS DO NOT EXIST.

Again, let me say, wanting a man with ambition and who has is sh*t together is not an issue. However, keep in mind that not every man you are going to meet will. Some are in the process of getting there, and some may have been there and are in a rough patch. We all have our highs and lows.

Sometimes, God places you in the path of a man on his low, because you are the person that is sent to help him get back to the top of his game.

Money does not make a man

Shoes does not a man

A job does not make a man

His material possessions does not make him who he is, and if it does then he has some issues he needs to work out. As a woman if you think that does then you need to work out your issues too.

CHARACTER makes a man, how he treats his friends, his family, strangers, kids. Let that speak to you, let those be the possessions you look at. The possessions of his heart and his mind, not his bank account, and what he looks like, or what he has going on right now, as those things can change in a second. Cliché but it’s facts.

The men and women at this event who spoke up in my opinion will be single for a while. Their ideologies of dating and relationships are all over the place. They have these LIST of EXPECTATIONS and as we all know expectations are key for heartbreak, and in this case LONELINESS

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What we need as men and women are STANDARDS, have NON-NEGOTIABLE STANDARDS, not NON-NEGOTIABLE LISTS

Your list changes as you grow in a partnership, as your goals change ,their goals change, your personal growth will ALWAYS change your list, as what you wanted at 19 is not what you are going to want at 29.

Now your STANDARDS should NEVER CHANGE.

You want a  partner that is  loving, honest, giving, respectable, etc. These are qualities among others that makes for a great partner and I do not think should ever be wavered.

Now, I know some people might read this and get upset, and have questions.

Go ahead and leave them in the comment box, let’s have a discussion about it. I am not a relationship expert or life coach. But, stop letting these #relationshipgoals hash tags on social media bend your mind on what is real.

Shoes, and Louis bags, and houses that were found off Google although is realistic for some, it is not for everyone.

So really think about that list of expectations you have, and change it into a list of standards, and see if that doesn’t make a world of difference in your journey to finding TRUE LOVE.