I went to an event this past weekend hosted by Lincoln Blades , the event focused around do the men and women of Toronto have unrealistic dating expectations. Oh, and to no surprise here, these women and men who sat so beautifully in Uptown loft adorned in their dresses, and three-piece suit, are completely in la la land when it comes to dating.
First let me say the event was a nice night out, the space was cozy, even though the service was terrible; but I digress.
Now let me get to it, this room was filled with about 100 men and women, about 80 percent women and 20 percent men. Some men came with their partners, as a little relationship advice never hurt anyone. The conversation started out by asking if the “LIST” that we have as individuals is unrealistic. Lincoln used examples such as Trina who states she will not date a man who has a penis size less than 11.5 inches, or Chilli from TLC who will not date a man unless he has a minimum 4 pack and no more than 2 baby mothers. Now do I think these are ridiculous ABSOLUTELY, as she just ex’d more than half of the man in her age group, and Trina should just go and buy a friend because the average size penis is about 7 inches, so someone get her some batteries she will need them for a LONG time, but that is none of my business, let’s get to the woman and men of Toronto.
Now the conversation really starts with a female sitting at the table adjacent to mine we will call her Gloria, (I am naming her as throughout the night she had a lot of nothing to say in my opinion) who says that she will not date a man who is JOBLESS. Now, there were claps and murmuring after she said this as you can imagine some people agreed and disagreed with her. A lady in the corner with sister locs or could have been braids takes the mic and says, she has a master’s degree and she was unemployed for a year, and then she pauses, as if she was waiting for an applause.
Now here I am sitting down waiting to her to explain why she was jobless.
Keep in mind the conversation at this point is to say that we should not rule out unemployed men when dating as there could be situations as to why they are not working. For example:
A recent graduate
Got laid off ( Both target and Sony are closing all Canadian Stores)
Illness ( he is now getting back on his feet)
I mean anything is possible, but for me she just wanted the people in the room to know she was a black woman with a masters degree, because if we are speaking of reasons people could be unemployed when you first meet them, what was hers?
Was she sick?
Did she have a kid?
We know she wasn’t a recent graduate as she said she was unemployed for a year.
Was she actively looking?
What was it?, at this point no one knew
So let me say this NO ONE CARES!. A master’s degree in today’s society is not what it used to be 10 years ago. It’s like having a high school diploma, it is great I commend anyone who pursues further education as I am one of those people who will most likely go and get my masters as well. Nonetheless, men don’t care, although they are looking for smart women, a master’s degree is just a bonus it is not why he is gonna date you.
Men want to know can you cook something more than mac and cheese and baked chicken, clean, are you sincere, loving, giving, spiritual depending on his beliefs, can you do laundry, these days is your hair real. (Let’s be real about it). I am not saying I agree with these, but your masters degree is just a bonus for him.
A lot of women have this self-righteous attitude when you get a little degree or a nice comfy job. It does not make you Queen Sheba. Let me make this clear, I am not taking away from your education, or the hard work you put into it, and if you want a man who is on the same education level as you, there is nothing wrong with that.
However, you are just like the rest of us, we all work, eat and sleep. Do not think that you are in any way special and the same for men as well because you are educated. I know a lot of men who are wealthy and never stepped foot into a college or university classroom. So sip that tea, let me move on.
Now a man without a job should not be looked past because he told you I am not working at the moment. Men are not open books, he could be jobless today and VP of whatever tomorrow. When people first meet you they do not expel their lives to you, so for all you know he could have just left an interview, and just doesn’t want to talk about it, he probably lied to you as well because he saw how hungry you were for status instead of substance and curved you.
Bet you didn’t think about that huh?
MEN DO THAT, women do it too I know I have. I will purposely sabotage a situation if I see what you are about from the initial meeting, I will turn you off from me, saves me time and I make you think it was all you.
No it was me.
When a man is unemployed look for drive and ambition in him, is he actively pursing job opportunities, most men quit their 9-5 to start a business inquire about it. As women we need to ask the right questions. Not what Steve Harvey told you to ask in his book, not saying those aren’t valid. However, every man is different ask him questions pertaining to him and his life not the standard where you see yourself in 5 years? do you want kids? what is your favorite color? these are not real questions, they are fluff, dig deep get him speaking, actually have a conversation, not an interview.
After intermission the conversation got even more juicy
As they were tired of the women talking and directed the microphone to the men in the room.
This man in his suit stood and said that he has stopped talking to a girl because she said “SHE DID NOT GIVE HEAD” now for all you newbies that means oral sex, and shortly after that a lady at my table said she felt the same way. Now let’s talk about the these people. Both looked like they were in the mid 30’s and SINGLE.
Now there is nothing wrong with being single, but if oral sex is a NON NEGOTIABLE for you, just start travelling alone, go to the sperm bank to get you a baby, and start collecting wines, because you are embarking on A LOT of lonely nights.
MEN AND WOMEN OF THE WORLD in-case you all didn’t know WE LIE.
I have met men and women who said they didn’t give oral sex, and when you speak to their partner she/he says that’s not true. Whether you want to believe it or not it is still a social stigma. Also, some people believe because of the nature of the act, they will only do it with someone they truly care about. Now, if I just met you, and you asked me that question I am going to tell you no.
I JUST MET YOU it is our first date. WHO ARE YOU?
Now, a few weeks or months of dating I will share how I feel about the matter. No one tells you everything at first, that is why it’s called GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
This man also said that Toronto women suffer from what he called “the drake factor” where he said that women want men with condos, lambos, investment accounts, and Jordans. I mean he didn’t use those words, I did from what I have seen. What he did say in a nutshell is that women want men who have money.
Is he wrong? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
When I first moved to this city that is all women wanted “men with money” but we were all 19 working at call centers, and still shopping at sirens, which 19-year-old man has a condo? even Diddy’s sons still live at home. That is why for a while a lot of these young woman were dating older men because what they wanted didn’t exist at their age.
AND WHAT THESE WOMEN AND MEN IN THEIR mid to late 20s to early 40s ARE LOOKING FOR IN PARTNERS DO NOT EXIST.
Again, let me say, wanting a man with ambition and who has is sh*t together is not an issue. However, keep in mind that not every man you are going to meet will. Some are in the process of getting there, and some may have been there and are in a rough patch. We all have our highs and lows.
Sometimes, God places you in the path of a man on his low, because you are the person that is sent to help him get back to the top of his game.
Money does not make a man
Shoes does not a man
A job does not make a man
His material possessions does not make him who he is, and if it does then he has some issues he needs to work out. As a woman if you think that does then you need to work out your issues too.
CHARACTER makes a man, how he treats his friends, his family, strangers, kids. Let that speak to you, let those be the possessions you look at. The possessions of his heart and his mind, not his bank account, and what he looks like, or what he has going on right now, as those things can change in a second. Cliché but it’s facts.
The men and women at this event who spoke up in my opinion will be single for a while. Their ideologies of dating and relationships are all over the place. They have these LIST of EXPECTATIONS and as we all know expectations are key for heartbreak, and in this case LONELINESS
What we need as men and women are STANDARDS, have NON-NEGOTIABLE STANDARDS, not NON-NEGOTIABLE LISTS
Your list changes as you grow in a partnership, as your goals change ,their goals change, your personal growth will ALWAYS change your list, as what you wanted at 19 is not what you are going to want at 29.
Now your STANDARDS should NEVER CHANGE.
You want a partner that is loving, honest, giving, respectable, etc. These are qualities among others that makes for a great partner and I do not think should ever be wavered.
Now, I know some people might read this and get upset, and have questions.
Go ahead and leave them in the comment box, let’s have a discussion about it. I am not a relationship expert or life coach. But, stop letting these #relationshipgoals hash tags on social media bend your mind on what is real.
Shoes, and Louis bags, and houses that were found off Google although is realistic for some, it is not for everyone.
So really think about that list of expectations you have, and change it into a list of standards, and see if that doesn’t make a world of difference in your journey to finding TRUE LOVE.